04 December 2009
01 December 2009
Smoking, Peeping and Shooting...Ahhh Christmas!
Santa's no fool. (And obviously a man drew this, no woman would wear her good stilettos on a ladder, even for Ol'St. Nick!)
What do they mean? Give yourself a gun, or shoot someone who irritates you and do yourself a favor.
(Pulls trigger. "Sorry Grandma!" "Merry Christmas anyway Tommy, now call 911!)
You know, when my throat is scratchy, I usually grab a lozenge. All this time I could have been smoking. Who knew?
31 August 2009
26 August 2009
25 August 2009
09 August 2009
"Stormy and Troop" BFF's
Troop: I love you Stormy!Stormy:(silent) Troop: Did you hear me?
Stormy: Do you want to get punched?
Troop: Ok, so I did a little drunk dialing, who hasn't?
Stormy: Jesus, Troop, not again!
Troop: You ever see "Electric Bugaloo"? Stormy: Shut up and Dance!
Stormy: Listen birds, we give you this bread, you do everything we say.Troop: Yeah, like flying over there and buying us tacos.
Stormy: Don't be an ass.
Troop: I can see my house from here.Stormy: You don't have a house.
Troop: ......Oh.
Stormy: Get out!
Troop: Yeah, real funny Stormy , real effin funny!
Troop: Ok, this was not funny, it was squeezing my freakin head.
Troop: Dude! Give it back!! photos: courtesy of Flikr/ Stefans: Stormtroopers 365 Collection
That's right, it's a Tampon Stun Gun
Why that looks just like two Playtex applicator tampons! Do not, I repeat do not borrow a tampon from your paranoid friend Alice who is known to keep mace AND pepper spray in her handbag. You could be in for the "Toxic Shock*" of your life!
*Remember Toxic Shock? If you don't, Google "toxic shock", it will make my joke so much funnier.
Who exactly is this for? To tell you the truth, I don't know if I want that question answered. I just want to know how to get this horrified look off my face.
I know, Lil Timmy below might help!
07 August 2009
Interesting way to get your son to stop jibberjabbering in the backseat of the car.
Twenty years on, Lil' Timmy is still traumatized.
Reprising their infamous movie roles...
Charlie Sheen in "Platoon"
Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia
Meg Tilly and Jane Fonda in Agnes Of God
Tom Cruise in Interview with a Vampire, Naturally.
and... Kevin Costner's Oscar winning Dances with Wolves
5 Beauty Must Haves for Summer
In the 1920's, makeup guru Max Factor came up with a face measuring device to gauge how to apply makeup to make up any face with near perfect symmetry. Forget all that, I'm here to share things I like. For a product to make it on my list, it had better be tried, true and worth the money. Here are a few I recently found that have made my summer better.
Neutrogena Ultra Sheer Dry Touch Sunblock spf 55 and 70
I know what you are thinking, "Spf 55 and 70? Where's my Ban De Soleil Orange Gelee spf 4?!" Listen people, you are not George Hamilton and the Sun is not your friend. Like cigarettes and alcohol, sun is the trifecta to make you look older, wrinkly, decrease collagen and increase the killer Sun Cancer. This sunscreen given to me by dermatologist and Big Brother winner Dr. Will Kirby. Doesn't sting, feels good and light on the skin and has little odor.(Just like Dr. Kirby) Wanna tan? Get some self tanner. Save the skin you're in.
Epsom Salt
http://www.epsomsaltcouncil.org/health_benefits.htm
You will be amazed as I was at the numerous benefits of Epsom Salt baths.
(Try a cool one, its amazing!)
Auromere Face and Body Mud
http://vitacost.com
The only face treatment that un puffs the face after a long night. Put it on your body and wrap in plastic and your dimply skin will be smoother. Pour a little powder in the bath (with your epsom salts) and you have a soothing spa treatment. At 13.55 for 16 oz. Its a years worth of treatments for nearly nothing.
Scrubby Gloves (4 dollars)
You can find these in most drug stores like CVS or Walgreens. Put 'em on , put a little olive or grapeseed oil in your hands and scrub away. You will end up with baby smooth skin. Just hang them to dry.
Sally Hansen Lip Inflation Extreme
Lovely cinnamon flavor, good plumping action.Gently scrub your lips first and voila, Angelina Jolie! Well almost. Just as good as the $50 lip plumper for about 8 dollars! Sometimes you can get two for one.
Comfort Food
I thought I would steer you to my recipe site... "For The Love Of Soup". I created it after I read the BBC study on how eating soup before a main meal helps you stay on your diet, make healthier choices and eat less.
Many of my soups are low fat or low carb, all delicious and easy to make. You will not be disappointed if you try one of them. But, you say, it's summer!
Then try 2 served chilled soups... Gazpacho or scrumptious Mango Coconut Summer Soup .
Also, take a leap and tread South of the Border with my Chili Con Carne and Authentic Mexican Refried Beans! Margaritas and chips everyone? I thought so!
There is something for everyone. Enjoy!
06 August 2009
Summer's Guilty Pleasures
Let's hear it for summer. Warm nights, Cool cocktails, bad summer television.
Yes, I know you watch. I know for many of you, getting into a skimpy bathing suit is right up there on the to do list with a root canals sans novacaine, clubbing with Kathie Lee Gifford and stepping in a steaming pile of...anyway, let's talk about what you don't admit to watching, but do anyway.
Let's do a countdown, shall we?
5. The Bachelorette. Who didn't hang in there during the entire season to watch Jillian make faux pas after toe sucking, cad country singer, erectile disfunctioning faux pas. It was bad tv at its finest. I for one was less interested in which loser Jillian would choose to give the final rose to and more interested in watching jerks like Dave (don't grab my shirt) arrogant Wes and Tanner P. Oh, Tanner P. Foot fetish aside, either spill your guts and say who has a girlfriend or keep your trap shut and hope Wes writes a song about it. "You know girlfriends....they don't come easy..." Oh and that poor sap who came back only to cry on the balcony. And the other poor sap Reid who was too little too late in his proposal. C'mon, she is in the dress, about to get engaged to someone else, but see guys think, No, She wants me! Listen guys, just because she said you might be the one but there are still 5 other guys left, take a hike, if she wants you, she would have kept you! It was all worth it to see more bachelors than any other season crying, pleading and whoring themselves for our Monday night pleasure. C'mon ladies, this IS our Monday night Football.
She chose Ed. Let's just hope he can "rise to the occasion" and not take off in the middle of their honeymoon.
4. So You Think You Can Dance, America's Got Talent, Dance Your Ass Off.
These are all the same show right? Panel of C list judges, check, People jumping around to Maniac, check, someone cries in the last 2 minutes, check.
3. NYC Prep/ Miami Social/The Fashion Show Remember the golden days of Bravo. The real Project Runway, Top Chef, Queer Eye. *Sigh* Oh my gays, my beautiful, beautiful gays. Now its Super rich Brats, Super Skinny, tan, beyotches and that chick from Destiny's Child who is NOT Beyonce. Ugh! Where's my Tim Gunn, my Padma Laskshmi, and the Klum, you can't have a runway show without the Klum!
2. Big Brother Lets see, Dumb Body Builder, another dumb body builder, 2 Geeky PHD's, a dumb blond, the token gay, the token tattoed chick and a narcissist with a horrible laugh. Oh and a pregnant Julie Chen. Its still better than re runs of 2 and a Half Men.
1. "Dating In The Dark."My favorite new dating show by far. Take 3 guys, 3 gals, lots of getting to know each other and connecting, then the lights come on. Yep, the guys face falls when she looks nothing like Jessica Alba. But its usually the women who take their rolly luggage down the long driveway and turn their back on the guy they felt a connection with all week but suddenly the "chemistry' is gone when they see his face. Shallow pricks!
Muhahahah! Its horribly good tv!
FRESH!
This morning, I stumbled upon a picture of a McDonald's Hamburger purchased and saved since 1988. It was then compared to a McDonald's hamburger bought yesterday. you couldn't tell the two burgers apart. Scary? You bet.
These burgers have been better preserved than Uncle Louie lying flat at his own funeral, little Fluffy post stuffing, King Tutankhamun, well you get the idea.
Speaking of formaldehyde, did you know anytime you drink diet soda like Diet Coke or Pepsi, that the aspartame turns to formaldehyde in your stomach? That its actually healthier to drink the dreaded high fructose corn syrup Coke and 7 up? (BTW, in the rest of the world, they use the more expensive real cane SUGAR. Better taste and less incidence of fat storage.)
What happened to people drinking water? (Buut, I don't like the taste!) I just moved to a city where the water is so bad I have to buy bottled. I am not normally a conspiracy theorist but, when I lived in London and then in Sydney, the water was not only drinkable and clear but tasty as well. (And I am picky about my water!) This water here in LA is a chlorine, metal, dirty, nasty liquid. Making tea with it does not disguise this. no wonder people choose diet soda!
Needless to say, in London and Sydney, the bottled water industry isn't the powerhouse money maker like it is here in America. (and in the supermarkets there, you blink, you miss it). But here in the US, if people aren't drinking bottled water, they are poo pooing water for DIET COKE. (Shakes head in disgust.) We have been programmed that diet soda is good. Its addicting. And whats funny, is that most people I know who drink it are overweight or obese. Skinny gals and guys? They drink water. Filter your water if it tastes bad, throw a squeeze of lemon or lime to "taste it up." Just drink. Your body is made up of water. Your body needs it to keep hydrated, and every organ in working order.
It amazes me, this fast food nation. People forgoing plants and fruits, and filtered water, for easy, salty or sugary processed foods. The fact that more children can recognize Pop tarts and Oreos than a carrot is criminal. And we wonder why there is this dumbing down of America, rampant obesity, type 2 diabetes, cancer and a pill popping nation! What you put in your mouth affects your brain as well as your body!
Having lived in Europe and Australia as well, it is not just here in America that people shovel in the crap. In England, they eat things that we in America, even fast food junkies may not find so appetizing. Doner Kebabs (processed meat on a spit), Cold Pork Pies and Butter on sandwiches where mustard should be. A UK show like "You are what you Eat" demonstrates a weeks worth of junk one person throws down their gullet, and surprise,surprise, when these foods are exchanged with bright colorful fruits and veg, on the average, 28 pounds (2 stone UK) is lost in 8 weeks. And that's with little exercise. Throw in cardio 4 times a week, another stone (14 pounds) is lost.
Parents, especially in the Midwest and the South are killing their kids by spoiling them with whatever they cry for. "Waaa, I want 'SuperDuper Sugary Barbie Fried DoughBalls!' Ok, Lil'Britney, Mama will get it for you, just as soon as she can pry herself away from Maury, off of that couch and strap on her oxygen mask, get her walker and her keys and make her way over to the Piggly Wiggly!
How about this? Small changes to start.
An apple with Britney's PB&J sandwich.(a recent study shows that an apple has more antioxidants per serving than blueberries, pomegranates and acai berry, the internet rip off of the year.) Some broccoli with dinner instead of that butter laden potato. And how about some water, or Iced tea without sugar instead of sugaring up your kids with Coke and Koolaid? Its cheaper too people, so no excuses!
The only thing you might lose is weight, and the wheezing and the diarrhea and kidney stones and your kids tantrums and...your husband keeling over from heart disease at 35 ! The list of benefits goes on and on.
And you gain healthier skin, a better digestive system, more energy and a brain that works properly!
No, it doesn't mean you can never have Pop Tarts or Oreos again, but why would you when you figure out that its just sugar and lard with some cheap filling in it. There are better and tastier choices out there in our land of plenty. Don't be a sheep and let your choices be taken away from you. Stand up and take control with what goes into you and your family's mouth. You will thank me later.
These burgers have been better preserved than Uncle Louie lying flat at his own funeral, little Fluffy post stuffing, King Tutankhamun, well you get the idea.
Speaking of formaldehyde, did you know anytime you drink diet soda like Diet Coke or Pepsi, that the aspartame turns to formaldehyde in your stomach? That its actually healthier to drink the dreaded high fructose corn syrup Coke and 7 up? (BTW, in the rest of the world, they use the more expensive real cane SUGAR. Better taste and less incidence of fat storage.)
What happened to people drinking water? (Buut, I don't like the taste!) I just moved to a city where the water is so bad I have to buy bottled. I am not normally a conspiracy theorist but, when I lived in London and then in Sydney, the water was not only drinkable and clear but tasty as well. (And I am picky about my water!) This water here in LA is a chlorine, metal, dirty, nasty liquid. Making tea with it does not disguise this. no wonder people choose diet soda!
Needless to say, in London and Sydney, the bottled water industry isn't the powerhouse money maker like it is here in America. (and in the supermarkets there, you blink, you miss it). But here in the US, if people aren't drinking bottled water, they are poo pooing water for DIET COKE. (Shakes head in disgust.) We have been programmed that diet soda is good. Its addicting. And whats funny, is that most people I know who drink it are overweight or obese. Skinny gals and guys? They drink water. Filter your water if it tastes bad, throw a squeeze of lemon or lime to "taste it up." Just drink. Your body is made up of water. Your body needs it to keep hydrated, and every organ in working order.
It amazes me, this fast food nation. People forgoing plants and fruits, and filtered water, for easy, salty or sugary processed foods. The fact that more children can recognize Pop tarts and Oreos than a carrot is criminal. And we wonder why there is this dumbing down of America, rampant obesity, type 2 diabetes, cancer and a pill popping nation! What you put in your mouth affects your brain as well as your body!
Having lived in Europe and Australia as well, it is not just here in America that people shovel in the crap. In England, they eat things that we in America, even fast food junkies may not find so appetizing. Doner Kebabs (processed meat on a spit), Cold Pork Pies and Butter on sandwiches where mustard should be. A UK show like "You are what you Eat" demonstrates a weeks worth of junk one person throws down their gullet, and surprise,surprise, when these foods are exchanged with bright colorful fruits and veg, on the average, 28 pounds (2 stone UK) is lost in 8 weeks. And that's with little exercise. Throw in cardio 4 times a week, another stone (14 pounds) is lost.
Parents, especially in the Midwest and the South are killing their kids by spoiling them with whatever they cry for. "Waaa, I want 'SuperDuper Sugary Barbie Fried DoughBalls!' Ok, Lil'Britney, Mama will get it for you, just as soon as she can pry herself away from Maury, off of that couch and strap on her oxygen mask, get her walker and her keys and make her way over to the Piggly Wiggly!
How about this? Small changes to start.
An apple with Britney's PB&J sandwich.(a recent study shows that an apple has more antioxidants per serving than blueberries, pomegranates and acai berry, the internet rip off of the year.) Some broccoli with dinner instead of that butter laden potato. And how about some water, or Iced tea without sugar instead of sugaring up your kids with Coke and Koolaid? Its cheaper too people, so no excuses!
The only thing you might lose is weight, and the wheezing and the diarrhea and kidney stones and your kids tantrums and...your husband keeling over from heart disease at 35 ! The list of benefits goes on and on.
And you gain healthier skin, a better digestive system, more energy and a brain that works properly!
No, it doesn't mean you can never have Pop Tarts or Oreos again, but why would you when you figure out that its just sugar and lard with some cheap filling in it. There are better and tastier choices out there in our land of plenty. Don't be a sheep and let your choices be taken away from you. Stand up and take control with what goes into you and your family's mouth. You will thank me later.
Love Beauty Truth Fun
Good day world. I hope you will stay tuned for all the juice and pulp and advice and opinions that I have to share. I hope to bring you hope, love advice and in general the best in what life has to offer us. The nectar and sweetness that make life worth living. Plus a few rants and confessions just for good measure.
So far, I have lived quite a life. I have met all my childhood crushes, musical and film heroes but more importantly, its the unlikely heroes that have inspired me to push ahead in life no matter what stumbling blocks are in my way. I am not on the merry go round, as much as I try and step up upon it. Instead I get strapped in and whisked on my way through the roller coaster, the cyclone twister that is...LIFE.
So Love, Beauty, Truth, Fun. The four essential elements to any good life. Find any one of these elements and you can wake up in a good mood and get out of bed, find two and you'll spring out of bed, find three and you are inspired, live with all four and nothing is impossible!
So far, I have lived quite a life. I have met all my childhood crushes, musical and film heroes but more importantly, its the unlikely heroes that have inspired me to push ahead in life no matter what stumbling blocks are in my way. I am not on the merry go round, as much as I try and step up upon it. Instead I get strapped in and whisked on my way through the roller coaster, the cyclone twister that is...LIFE.
So Love, Beauty, Truth, Fun. The four essential elements to any good life. Find any one of these elements and you can wake up in a good mood and get out of bed, find two and you'll spring out of bed, find three and you are inspired, live with all four and nothing is impossible!
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